DO YOU BELIEVE?

I famously have a tangled memory. 

Every once in a while, some event will reveal and unlock a hidden box of memories that I thought I’d lost and my mind becomes tangled in vivid recollection. It's like there are keys scattered in various places, but I have no map and no clues for how to find them. When I stumble upon one, I get completely ambushed by memories and have to write down whatever comes back before I lose them all over again. 

There are possible explanations for this but, it’s not important now. 

I said in my last post that there was more to talk about, and that things would make perfect and zero sense soon. 

So — I decided to spend the last 2 hours of my Niagara Falls visit getting breakfast at this UFO themed diner. I’ve always loved alien stuff and this place was designed to look like a flying saucer. Incredible, I know, had to see it. 

When I walked in, there was a silver alien next to an atm machine holding a green alien souvenir cup and it looked just like the green alien bong my older sister had hidden in her closet when I was a kid. 

Suddenly, this green alien souvenir cup blasted a beam of trippy memories from 1997 - 2002 at me and I could vividly remember the glow-in-the-dark stars covering the walls of my sisters’ room..

HER PET TARANTULA IN THE CAGE 

HER BOOMBOX

THE NORTH STAR UFO ICE CREAM SANDWICH

MY FATHER WORKING AT AREA 51 

NIGHTMARES ABOUT PARANORMAL STUFF

FEELING THE PRESENCE OF A SPIRIT FOR THE FIRST TIME 

WATCHING THE X-FILES AS A FAMILY…

"The X-Files: The Truth is Out There"

The truth is…out there 

The truth is OUT there 

At the time, as a 10 year old or something, the X-Files was about uncovering secrets, opening doors you weren't supposed to open, curiosity beyond, an alt connection, a spiritual alternative, possible answers to the coming millennium, a place where my imagination wandered and learned detective skills for the justice I was seeking — and Mulder and Scully — were justice-seeking teaching people. 

This show was different than the other programs at the time. Law and Order, COPS and whatever other thing.  

It questioned the written law AND the natural law. 

IT WAS BEYOND

This was an important show to me then. I didn't fully know it obviously becuz I was 10, and clearly these are fresh thoughts happening here —right now— thoughts possible only in hindsight. But, it uniquely paralleled my spiritual affliction or maybe — it gave me one?   

My older sister was listening to techno, going to raves and smoking weed out of the alien bong.

My father was working on some confidential Area 51 thing in the Nevada desert. That’s all we knew and that didn’t help at all. 

It felt like the X-Files was going to deliver some deeper truth about life. Something to explain my existential malady, the spirits running around, the millennium, the sky, the desert, the beyond, the underground, my future — stuff like that

BUT NOTHING WAS DELIVERED. NOTHING WAS EXPLAINED.

Lots of people want to believe that the stuff they want to believe in, is believable. Myself included. But, actually believing that something is believable — just because you want to believe it — is something else entirely.

The court told Socrates to stop telling people to question their beliefs or else, he would have to drink the Hemlock. 

And Socrates was basically like,

“so you want me and everyone else to just assume our way through life?!” 

And they were like,

“ya, we want you to make some assumptions here and there” 

Socrates chose the Hemlock. 

Today I asked my older sister if she remembered the alien bong and the glow-in-the-dark stars in her room. She told me she had decorated her room in glow-in-the-dark because she was getting visited by spirits in the house and felt safer at night this way. 

I also finally asked my father about his time in the Nevada desert. 

Turns out, he found and captured that pet tarantula at Area 51. 

THE HONEYMOON CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

Niagara Falls had been on my list of places to visit for a few years now. I didn't know anything about it, i'd never researched it, and didn't even know that it existed on both the US and Canadian border until maybe 10 days ago. For whatever reason, I just knew that I needed to go there, and mentioned it about a dozen times this year alone even though I couldn't explain to anyone or myself why I wanted to go there so much. 

While I was in Ohio recently, a few people had mentioned they were either just there or just got back so I took this as a good sign and committed to taking the long way back to Philly so I could finally check it out.

 

Historically, Niagara Falls had always been like Mount Rushmore or Stonehenge to me. These are places that I think I don't ever need to visit but actually, I know nothing about them and totally decided this arbitrarily. Except in the last few years—with Niagara in particular—something changed. I began to feel spiritually called there: this time, to cry and to be a loner in this place I later learned happens to be the honeymoon capital of the world.

I made a playlist of only Neil Young,Vincent Gallo and Charles Manson to maximize my melancholy, but also to honor the Ohio to Buffalo to Canada crossing.

I listened to Charlie from Ohio to New York and then switched to Vincent as soon as I saw I crossed into Buffalo. When I got to the border, I got distracted by the serious tone of waiting in the line, turned it down a bit and sort of lost track of the playlist altogether.

Magically, around 15 minutes after I crossed, I heard a faint Neil Young come through the speakers and it was fuckin perfect. It was around 5:15pm, beautifully hazy and smelled like there was a fire somewhere close. 

I didn't know that Niagara was going to be what it was. The perfect meeting point of all my aesthetic obsessions. Neons, signage, arcades, atmospheric fog, the sound of a loud crashing body of water, trash boardwalk food, cultural fusions, dollar store fantasy fragrance, alien stuff, thrifting, Vegas style bugged eyed tourist, cars and cruising, animatronics, pyrotechnics, mirror maze, spooky stuff, go karts, plushies, dusty gift shops with sun faded postcards... 

it had everything. 

it had all of it times 3. 

literally three of everything. 

at least three of everything and sometimes more

with all of these things sometimes making endless combinations with each step I took. 

Somehow, with out actually knowing, I intuitively knew ALL of this.

Usually, I will research a new place to the outer edges looking for a trippy experience, hidden things, secrets…you know,stuff like that. It's my thing, it's what I do, ask anyone. Im the queen of "finding" things”, opening doors I'm not supposed to open, cutting lines, catching deals, etc 

The thing is, I didn't do that with this place. I didn't research it to death. Partly because I didn't have time, I didn't know if I would have the energy after the 5 days I spent running around Ohio, and I had already been told to check out Clifton Hill which seemed to cover a lot of what I liked to do anyway. 

This place was a catapult of some kind, or a window into something for later because it’s only been two days since I left and so far its a fountain of inspiration that's keeping me up at night. A multi-colored fog made up of tiny spherical beads of water reflecting back the boardwalk of neon lights filling every corner of my mind. If I zero in on each bead, I realize it’s a spherical projection of my memory and I can play them back.  it's really sick. 

I don't think the impression that was left was just about Niagara Falls, it was Ohio to Niagara. But I cant talk about Ohio yet; because I'm just not there yet. Maybe I'll work my way back to that at some point for whoever reads here. Thanks for reading btw.

(one more thing, if your reading on your phone, tap on the photo to get better resolution. You can also listen to the YouTube tracks below while you read or tap through the photos too.)

Charles Manson was born Cincinnati, Ohio 

Vincent Gallo was born in Buffalo, NY

Neil Young was born in Toronto, Canada 

There's more to talk about here but it'll make zero sense and perfect sense soon.